Lessons learnt, 18 Sept 2012

Ever since coming here, I've realised I am starting to enjoy being alone. In the past, I used to cringe at the thought of spending a weekend at home or being all alone in a empty room. I had never ever been left alone at home before. There was always someone around with me. It could never happen or it was impossible. I hate being alone. My thoughts would run wild and I start going crazy in my mind and imagining all the "what-ifs". Nowadays, I actually enjoy being in my room. Just listening to crazy songs like "Gangnam style" and jumping around crazily or reading a book or etc etc. Its much better since I can actually be myself. 

Mom used to wonder why I liked going out so much back home. She would ask me "Don't you like staying at home? Y don't you like staying at home? Home is the best place." I never agreed with here back then and couldn't figure out what she was thinking. Now, I get it all. And maybe if I had the chance, I would choose to go out less often back in singapore. I would spend more time with my dad and zara and Yati even. I miss all of them so much. I realised that daddy was growing old. I cant remember how zara's fur feels like in my hands and wonder all the time how she is whenever there is a thunderstorm and lightning. I miss her whining and how she was always waiting for me to play with her. Everyday on the way to school, I ll walk past a vet clinic and seeing the dogs, reminds me of her. Today I saw a black dog that refused to go into the clinic and the owner had to pull the dog in. Reminds me so much of zara and ruffy. Its like the dogs have this sixth sense. And Yati. I miss Yati's cooking and how she can find my things for me so quickly while I can never find my stuffs in that pile of clothes. Yati was telling me how quiet the house was these days with me away. 

I also found out that going out may make me feel more lonely than ever. Like walking around in the city or hanging out with people I am not familiar with. That feels much more lonely. Despite being surrounded by people, I never felt lonelier than ever. I hate how when I am in a group and I have to make small talk with people. I hate having small talks. Those meaningless conversations with them just for the sake of not making it feel awkward. Its fake and fake. Yeah you may say that I am being unfriendly but if I don't feel a point and everyone is talking for the sake of talking, why should I? 

I learnt how to stand up for myself. How I shouldn't do anything I am not comfortable with just to make people happy. How I should never go against my principles just to fit in. I learnt that nobody can force me to do anything I don't want to do.